When God Has Another Plan

My youngest child is 6-weeks-old. He is such a joy to have. He's so precious. I love him so much.

But if it were up to me, he wouldn't even be born.  That might be a hard statement to understand. Let me go back in time to August 2016, and maybe then you'll understand. 

I love my children, and want everyone I have. We had four children, but I was really praying for baby number five. My youngest was 13 months old. 

On August 6, I wasn't feeling quite right, so I took a pregnancy test.

 It was positive! I was so excited. God had answered my prayers. The baby was due on my birthday. We told the children, and they were excited. Abby really wanted a sister, and wouldn't stop talking about it. 

It seemed like life was going great. But in the back of my mind, I wondered if something was wrong. I wasn't feeling sick like I normally would. I did have pregnancy symptoms so I didn't worry too much. 

A couple of weeks went by, and I was just excited for what the future held for my family. 

But my world was about to change, and I'd experience heartache and sadness. Something happened, and I called my husband crying, I didn't know if we were losing the baby or not.

I remember telling God through tears, that I would still love and serve Him if He took my baby. 

 We spent 10 hours in the ER, running tests and praying alot. I tried to find every word of hope and encouragement in the doctor's words, because I needed hope to cling to. I wanted this baby, it was loved already.  I had prayed for this baby, and I wanted to keep it.  The doctor sent us home not really knowing what was going to happen.  We would just have to wait and see. 

A few days past, and we did have a miscarriage. It was really hard on me. I cried nonstop. I didn't understand. My heart was broken. 

My 3 -year-old reassured me, that the baby was in heaven with God. 

On August 23, I wrote this in a journal. 

" God put Your arms around me, I'm struggling right now. I praise You for Your goodness and love. I don't understand Your plan. I wanted to keep this baby. But you might have different plans.  Your will is always best, even if it's hard."

The tears didn't stop flowing for days, but slowly God was healing my heart. I had to accept that He had another plan. God sees the whole book of our lives when we only see the chapter we are in.  Even when we go through a valley and we can't see the sunshine, God is there. 

I know a lot of families go through miscarriages, but it's often not talked about. Women often go through this heartache alone. Whether it's a early miscarriage or a little bit later, it still hurts. And it takes time to heal. 

What helped me was writing a letter to the baby. 

Here's what I wrote, and even though it's personal, I hope it helps someone else who is going through this. Because you are not alone. 

" To my precious baby, 

I only had you for a few short weeks, but you will always be in my heart. I never got to feel your kicks in the womb, or watch you grow by my expanding stomach. I never got to hear your heartbeat. 

I will never hold you in my arms, or embrace your sweet little body. I will never be able to kiss your soft cheeks or see your gentle smile. I will never hear your laughter as you play, or comfort you when you cry. I will never see you as you run around the house playing with your sister and brothers. I will never be able to tell you about Jesus, but then, you could tell me about Jesus, for you have seen Him. I will never watch you grow and develop into your own little personality. I will never hear your voice, as you learn to say, 'Mama.' I will never get to do so many things that I had hoped to do once I saw that positive test. 

But you will never have to feel the pain and sorrow of this life. You will never know sin or hurt. You are in a wonderful place. I wanted you so bad, but God wanted you more. And I know one-day, I will see you again. I take comfort in knowing that you are safe in the arms of Jesus."

So, I'm going to go back to the beginning of this post where I left off. I hope you understand the statement I made. It was, if it were up to me, he wouldn't even be born.

I mean because I would have kept the baby that God took.  I am so glad that God's plan, though different than mine, is always better. I could not image life without my little guy. If I would have known then, what I know now, the miscarriage would still have been sad, but maybe I wouldn't have been so sorrowful. 

In life, we have many instances where we pray and beg God for something. We hope and cling to His word. But sometimes, God does answer with a no. It might be heartbreaking and not understandable, but God's way are higher than ours. We might not always understand the 'why' of God's plan, but we just have to trust that He knows best. 

So, no matter what you are going through, lean on God, even when God has another plan, He makes no mistakes.